Where the hell is my desktop? My experience with 'Emily Is Away Too'

If you don't care for spoilers, at least hear me out. After familiarizing you with the game, the intent of this writeup is to elaborate on the emotional impact it had on me. I encourage you to share the experience of my first playthrough with me, regardless of your intentions to try it.

As we see it

I understood the gist of Emily Is Away when I decided to make a last-moment purchase of it during the Steam Winter Sale. Well, mostly. I wasn't aware that there were two versions of the game. A free Emily Is Away version sat atop my search results, tempting me to avoid the purchase of a discounted Emily Is Away Too. Was 'Too' a sequel? Its description claimed it to be a spiritual successor, a dubious term that lends me pause. A surgical Google search led me to a simple conclusion: The original Emily Is Away essentially has the same ending every time you play it. 'Too' adds extra characters, a more streamlined presentation, and has branching paths leading to multiple conclusions. My mind was made up, and a purchase was justified.

For the sake of everyone's sanity, any reference to Emily Is Away will henceforth be referring to Emily Is Away Too.

For the uninitiated, the game is a straightforward Choose Your Own Adventure-style narrative that takes place on a heavily AOL Instant Messenger-inspired chat application called EOL. The time span is the Summer of 2006 through the same period in 2007. You, the protagonist, spend the final year of your highschool experience building potential friendships with two classmates, Emily and Evelyn.

Mechanically speaking

Upon launch, you're greeted by the mechanized hum of an ancient spinning platter hard drive. Clicks and whirs permeate the background throughout the entirety of the game, adding to an exaggerated, yet familiar ambiance, reminding me of a youth embellished by nostalgia.

Choose a background. Heh, that middle one looks like default Windows XP. Acknowledging the nostalgia bait yet refusing to cater, I opt for the moonlit mountain. Should that one be familiar to me? My memory is fuzzy. Maybe. But I like the way it looks, so I roll with it. I don't see an in-game desktop with the image I chose yet, but I shrug it off and proceed.

A client reminiscent of AOL Instant Messenger prompts you to enter a screen name, along with your given first name. I go with 'Chaide,' but in hindsight, 'NextGen Chad' would have been the most appropriate, as that was my AIM screen name from the early 2000s until its unceremonious demise last month. An insignificant oversight.

A user icon! I'm being presented with a vague pixelated selection of memes (or fads as they were called back in my day!) and pop culture references. Seeing some of these still in circulation today, on top of the familiar experience of customizing my kitschy online persona makes me feel so old. But it's no matter. The stage is set and I'm ready to chat.

Edgy and naive, just how I like it

Or am I? A profile? Alright, this is hitting even closer to home, yet it also hints toward the general mechanics of the game. You can't type anything specific in the dialogue boxes of Emily Is Away. Instead, you're presented with multiple choices. In the specific case of your profile, you get Song Lyrics, Movie Quotes and what I'm assuming is a vague quote from yourself.

Content with the selections that best represent my interests, I proceed. Immediately, I hear a familiar door creak. An audio cue ripped right out of AIM! Yeah, I see this game's gimmick. And another. The chat jingle. Anybody familiar with AIM will forever have that jingle embedded in their brain for as long as it functions. I've received a message from our first character, punk4eva. Evelyn.

I choose my greeting, but nothing immediately happens. Curious, I press a key on the keyboard and the peculiar mechanical click of a Model M’s buckling spring coincides with a text character appearing on the screen. I see, so I just press random keys on the keyboard as a message is formed. Again, a little gimmicky- but I like it.

I press Enter, and my first interaction begins.

Getting to know you

Evelyn seems like a down to earth and spunky girl who loves her punk music. She's comfortable enough to message me out of the blue to just start shooting the shit. In fact, that's the primary focus of Chapter 1. 

Characters are developed in real-time through the choices you make. One can assume that these responses can be contradicted at later points in the game, but they still assist in setting a realistic tone quite specific to the time and place this game attempts to represent.

So we talk. She lets me convince her to paint her nails cyan, I tell her about how I spent all day playing videogames. Despite us hitting it off as great pals in History class last year, there's a lot more about me she'd like to know. So she wonders what type of music I like, as I reply with Alternative. I guess I'm more of a psychedelic/metalhead purveyor these days, but back then, alternative held true. No matter. Despite her misgivings about my musical preference which she ended up snooping through my profile anyway, we share some time listening to an emo/punk song on 'YooToob' by Senses Fail. Though not my cup of tea, I can appreciate the occasional indulgence in punk. And I was certainly exposed to this type of music on a regular basis from my more 'scene' friends at the time.

The real Chaide graduated highschool in '04, so YouTube wasn't really a thing by then. Nor was Facebook, at least in its current degree of prevalence. Everybody had a MySpace though, so the charms of these faux social networks like Facenook and YooToob weren't lost on me.

Clever Attention to Detail

Evelyn also likes horror movies, which is pretty rad. We make a nonchalant commitment to watch some together in the future.

This was quickly turning into a nostalgic and immersive experience. Everything about this conversation felt plausible. Though I wasn't typing the words myself, the responses sounded sincere. I was getting to know Evelyn, a more recent friend that I met in school last year, and it truly felt like a conversation taken from the chat logs of my past.

Small Talk

The conversation continues with a brief mention of her friend Steve, who has a fake ID and is grabbing some alcohol for her friend's house party tonight. Is it her boyfriend? I'm not sure. Rather than inquiring, I wish her a good time.

Before we part digital ways, she mentions how she has no plans for next weekend. I was surprised to see before me the implication that I could hang out with Evelyn alone. She seemed cool enough, so I figured I'd give it a shot.

lol wtf

Oh well, better luck next time. Or maybe we're better off as friends? I began to wonder if I should be confronting this situation with the mindset of a seasoned adult, or a conflicted teen. Is there even much of a difference?

The ellipses

At some point during my conversation with Evelyn, that familiar door creak led to a conversation with the game's namesake, Emily.

More small talk. Unlike Evelyn, however, it appears Emily is a girl that the protagonist has a longer history with. Not romantic, mind you, but it seems that we've developed a lasting friendship over the years.

Staying true to my character, I confide in her that I enjoy alternative music and videogames. She does too, awesome! We also both enjoy RPGs which is nice.. though by 2006, the real me wasn't too keen on the selection. My only other options were FPS and MMOs, so I felt justified in my choice.

Perhaps as an allusion to the anxiety every highschooler eventually encounters, we discuss how bizarre it is that our close group of friends has managed to stick together throughout all these years. Are our bonds sustainable? My mind can't help but dart back and forth to the friends, crushes and relationships from my teenage years that will more or less remain abandoned to history. Whether deliberate or through coincidental happenstance, it's an unfortunate inevitability.

We share a moment together listening to a song by Snow Patrol on YooToob. I leave it on in the background as our conversation evolves into more personal details.

Emily tells me that she left a certain Jeff's house early because it was boring. I figured since we were closer friends, it wouldn't be rude to inquire about their relationship status. Unsurprisingly, they're dating. Further, she'd rather not hang out with Jeff and his friends tomorrow either, on account of the fact that they'll just sit around getting drunk. She needs an excuse to bail, and we agree that a "scheduling conflict" is just the solution.

She wonders, do I drink? Truthfully, I tell her that I don't. I just don't care for being drunk. The feeling is mutual. My later teens and early 20s were another story, but I suppose life comes at you in waves.

Then, it happened. The ellipses. Allow me to elaborate. You see, the ellipses is.. a delicate tool in the internet chatter's linguistic arsenal. Use them too often, and you sound like a freaking tool. Use them sparingly, and you can add some much needed depth and allusion to your conversations. Incidentally, a person like me on the receiving end of them will more than likely overanalyze to the point of conspiracy.

Oh jeeze. Is she implying something? As two-dimensional as this situation may appear from the outside, I wasn't considering that notion. My mind was already transported back to a seemingly simpler time, full of hormones, internal conflict, anxiety and yes, jealousy. I closed my eyes to gather some perspective. More and more, I came to the realization that not much has changed, save for some pretentious color added to my written vocabulary. I went with my gut instinct and suggested that we spend the day together.

Ahh! You're making this even more complicated, Emily! I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that I've been attracted to friends or classmates who were already in relationships. It's not a fun feeling, putting on your best smile while wishing things could be different. As distant memories continued to bombard my head, Emily was becoming the persona of my remote, unobtainable desires. I was playing a game, but I began to treat it like a time machine.

I decided to play it cool and let her decide.

and a magic trick, makes the world disappear.

Like Clockwork

Within 15 minutes, I was dumbfounded by how such a simple game, an impulse purchase no less, could incite such a strong reaction from me. I felt mentally exhausted. As I stared at the option to select Chapter 2, I decided to minimize the game and compose a Twitter post.

After clarifying which version of the game I was referring to and feeling properly validated, I decided it was time to jump back in and unfold the core of the story.

As I opened Chapter 2, which takes place a few months later in the Autumn of 2006, I was faced with a more unique dilemma. This time, it was up to me to start a conversation with either Emily or Evelyn.

Again, my brain rewound to my teens. How my chest would literally burn in anticipation for that one screen name to message me first. What if I waited too long and she signed off? I didn't want to appear overly eager, or worse, annoying. As I focused my attention back to the game, I contemplated my next move to review my options. Generic greetings, fair enough. I'll speak with Evelyn first.

Well that could have worked out better.

And like clockwork, that familiar chime. It was Emily. She had a lot to unload, and I was willing to listen.

O Desktop, where art thou?

It started off with more smalltalk. Emily showed me her Facenook profile, which cleverly opened a generic social media page on my Chrome browser containing her info. I told her I'd add her, which I assume was implied since it already showed her as my mutual friend.

Then something odd happened.

It turns out Emily was hiding from her boyfriend, Jeff. She also expressed concern that maybe it was her; that she was being a bitch. I insisted that she wasn't, and that she could confide in me.

So she sent me their chat log.

Or at least, I thought she did. Where the hell is it? I still can't find a desktop in this game. Wait a second. No, it can't be that obvious, can it? I minimized all my windows to glance at my actual desktop.

"Ha!" I proclaimed in amusement. Alright, game. You've got me hooked.

So I opened it. Within the log was a believable scenario. Jeff wanted Emily to come over, but she said she had other plans. Jeff was furious. He planned the entire day out, and Emily had the nerve to bail on him. Emily, understandably short with Jeff, decided to end the conversation by pretending to have other things to do.

The details we discussed about the situation were brief, but concise. Emily and Jeff hadn't had sex yet. She felt that he was pressuring her into having sex while his parents weren't home, and she wasn't comfortable with that. 

More or less, I could tell that Emily simply needed somebody to vent to. It felt good to let her lean on me. But was I doing this out of friendship or jealousy? I wondered if it even mattered. It was just a game, after all. Still, I couldn't help but recall similar situations, even with friends I had no romantic interest in, where I'd be the one to listen to their problems. I felt a connection, almost as if it was my duty to uphold this respect she had for me.

More chit chat. We reaffirmed our love for RPGs and bonded over more alternative music, this time a band I'd never heard of called Sigur Ros. As the melody played in the background, we talked about our ambitions beyond highschool. Have you registered for college? Where do you want to go? Do you want to stay here or settle down? What about kids?

Answering these questions was more difficult for me than I'd imagined. In real life, I'm married with a child, and another's on the way. 

But in highschool? I didn't want to settle down. I didn't want kids. I wanted to travel. I wanted to end up somewhere different. Circumstance be damned, my future would never be set in stone. So that's how I answered. And to my surprise, we were on the exact same page. 

It was ..interesting to revisit those thoughts, to say the least. But a lot changes in over a decade. People become complacent. We have the tendency to deflect and disregard those dreams we once held dear. Is it because we were wrong, or because we were too stubborn to admit our shortsightedness? Are we ever really prepared to deal with the outcomes of our outlooks?

In spite of my anxieties, I felt a warm wave of content envelop me as Emily reaffirmed and embraced the foundations of our friendship.

But she had one more question for me.

A great catch? How do I even respond to that? I felt like I was walking around eggshells.

I hovered over the first option. Will an ascii emote make me sound less creepy? Should I just compliment our friendship? Again, the conflict was making my head spin. I decided to do something that teenage Chaide probably wouldn't have. I chose the risky reply.

As I began typing, something strange happened. I was deleting the message! I backspaced the entire thing clear! Different words began to appear. I was dumbstruck. But I wasn't angry. I was astonished, because this is exactly how I would have reacted in the same situation all those years ago.

I let out a sigh. It felt too real. I've never had a game toy with me like this before. I've played games with shock value. I've played games that people claim to be psychologically compelling. It's easy for me to dismiss those types of gimmicks away as fantasy or fiction. But this? I felt like I was being read like a book. 

Despite my initial intentions to approach this game as an adult, I was instead lured into the mind of my naive teenage self; paranoid and anxious over any social encounter. I wanted to be more than a friend. Despite any romantic inclinations, I wanted to be valuable to those around me. I wanted to be profound. But I was afraid. To this day, I still want all of those things, and I'm still afraid.

I pressed Enter. Emily pressed on.

I felt a genuine bond with an AI. We came up with nicknames for each other. Chaide and Em.

Parallels

Evelyn's back from being Away. I guess she left me hanging, but I'd completely forgotten at this point. So the big reveal was that it's Friday the 13th. That makes sense. She's into horror movies, after all. "Good thing we're not camp counselors!" I quip. We laugh.

Even more small talk.

There's a Halloween Party coming up, and Evelyn wants to know if I'm going. She asks me for some costume ideas. Knowing her, I think she'd be interested in Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas, but not before joking that she should go as a Sexy Nurse. It's all in good fun. Of course, she asks if I'm going and what I'd like to dress up as.

Fuck it. I don't even know if Evelyn is single. I never pressed the issue. But she seems fun, and there's no real commitment here. I'll go as Jack Skellington. She thinks it's a great idea and suggests we take pictures together. What an easy going friend. I'm reminded of several of my own.

We bond over more music, this time Senses Fail. Do I like it? Yeah, I guess it's alright, and I let her know that. Again, not my cup of tea these days.. and I'd probably only listen to it around friends even back then, but she's very happy that we can share our interests together. And as all budding friendships go, the conversation runs deeper.

Evelyn would like to learn about me a little different than Emily. While Emily seems to be more straightforward and charming, Evelyn puts up a playful front. She'd like to play a generic "I'll ask you a question, you ask me a question" game. Sure, I'm down. In my mind, nobody plays these games without some sort of ulterior motive, and my curiosity is naturally piqued.

Do I remember her favorite kind of movie? Ha, you're testing me! Horror.

I'll ease into my first question. What's your favorite animal? Cats, neat.

Have I ever snuck out of the house? Yeah, a handful of times. It's the truth!

Hmm, what next. Oh, I know. What about you, have you skipped class? She has! Scandalous.

Honestly, where did I expect this line of questioning to go? Of course the next question is her asking if I have a crush. By this point, I don't know if I'd made up my mind who "I" had a crush on. Was it Emily? It wasn't a forbidden fruit type of situation, or whatever you'd like to call it. It just felt.. surreal talking to her. Our friendship felt sincere. But she had a boyfriend. It's not my place to impede.

And Evelyn? She's incredibly cool and friendly, and I dare say mature for her age. But she's very strong and committed in contrast to my confusions and anxieties. Ideally? I'd want somebody to explore that with. Emily seems to share those quirks, but Evelyn might help put them into perspective. Still, even if I can't pursue a relationship with Emily, it's not stopping me from having inclinations toward her. A feeling I was all too familiar with in highschool, for better or worse.

To be frank, if I was in this situation in person, I'd probably have a crush on both.

So I answer Yes. Details aren't given, but it leads into a discussion about Evelyn's past relationship with the guy mentioned much further above, Steve. The Fake ID guy. They dated off and on and eventually broke it off when he went to college. She has no current plans of pursuing a relationship with him again, but the feelings linger. It makes sense, and I'm happy to listen.

The similarities between my conversations with Emily and Evelyn in this chapter began to unfold. If there was one thing that even slightly broke the immersion of the game, this was it. Essentially a carbon copy of  the "what are your life plans after college" questions that Emily asked me.

It was framed in a convincing way, though. We're seniors in highschool. Of course we'll be thinking about these things. Evelyn is painted as having a strong head on her shoulders. She was understandably upset about her long-term plans with Steve not working out. I'd like to think that my insight will at least help her feel better.

So after hearing her stories, I answered her questions. My answers were consistent.. but I had to re-evaluate one.

Listening to her talk about Steve was authentic. They were a good couple. They had tangible, long term plans. Sure, they fell through, but it at least felt real to them. What if I found somebody to create a solid foundation for the future with? After all, it's one thing to be free-spirited.. but let's face it, it's just as easy to carve your opportunities within familiar places. I know this from personal experience.

I recalled what I told Emily. I considered Evelyn's justifications. I mused upon my real life circumstances. It made sense, at least in the moment. So I answered. "Sure, I think so."

Our small talk resumed, but she wasn't finished with her question game yet. "Would you ever date somebody like me?" Yeah. I think I would. The feeling appeared to be mutual, but nothing was set in stone.

We, too, chose nicknames for each other. Chaiders and Eva.

On a cold winter's night

January 2007. Em and Eva message me back to back. But this time, something seems.. off.

..with both of them.

I think Emily is drunk. Is she upset? I know for sure Evelyn is. I try my best to dedicate my attention and time to both of them.

At this point, the game is setting up an obvious event, but I'm prepared to tackle the challenge. After all, these are my close friends and I want to do my best to be there for them. So I start from the beginning.

Emily informs me that she is, indeed, drunk. It's not her first time either. I thought she didn't drink? I inquire, and she informs me that she has a few times. "thingss change i guess!"

I suppose they do. I guess it's not my place to lecture. Just pace yourself. Drink plenty of water.

No response. I see where this is going. I check back on Evelyn.

Both Emily and Evelyn begin venting about their issues simultaneously. This time, however, time is of the essence. A timer bar slowly slides down for each response. My assumption is that if I take too long to reply, they'll lose their patience with me. On one hand, this seems incredibly arbitrary. On the other.. I can do this.

Furiously tabbing between both parties while spamming my keyboard, I listen and react to my friend's problems as quickly as I can.

Em is feeling stuck. Is it Jeff? Eva is feels worthless. You're not! Em wants things to change with Jeff. Have you tried talking to him? Eva feels like an idiot. I swear, you're fine! Em has been wanting to break up with Jeff. Wait, really? Uh.. what happened? Eva is starting to cry, she feels like an idiot. Please don't cry, you're not an idiot! Em should have talked to Jeff back in November. Why did you wait so long? Eva thought the bullshit was through. Is this about Steve? Well what did he say to you? Eva is over him. Good for you, you deserve better! Em says .. something. I'm really sorry. Eva promises me not to tell. I promise. Em mentions Jeff's house. Why meet at his house? Eva is spamming me. I see the word stupid. Stupid, why? Em got yelled at by Jeff. Did you cry? Eva says Steve has a new girlfriend. New girlfriend, does that bother you? She doesn't care. Emily tried to break up with Jeff and he simply yelled NO. What the hell? Eva says the timing is awful because they broke up this time last year. What specifically about your breakup? Em says Jeff yelled more. That's insane. Eva and Steve went outside to talk.

Shit. Shit.

The timers stop. I try my best to play damage control with Eva to no avail.

God fucking damnit. Fine. Fine. I want to be so fucking mad at this game for doing this, but I fucked up. Even if the timers arbitrarily make me piss one of them off, this mistake is all on me. Eva and Steve weren't dating. I should have known better. I should have been listening.

My heart is racing. I stare at the screen, biting my lip and shaking my head. My eyes close as I accept my fuckup. At least now I can turn my undivided attention toward Emily. If I couldn't be there for Evelyn, I can at least be there for Em.

Tell me more

Did you yell back? She did. Emily and Jeff's argument turned unproductive very quickly. The only thing she felt like she could do was to give up and leave. So she left. The next morning, she was greeted with a text message.

Christ. Me either.

At this point, I'm glad I have Emily's attention. In spite of the trainwreck tonight has become, this sounds dangerous, and I'm sure to let her know. Please, tell somebody. Avoid him and tell his parents. They'll know what to do. He's playing you, and staying involved at this point will end up getting one, or both of you hurt.

You'd do the same for me. And you deserve better. Nobody deserves to be put in a situation like this. Not after an ultimatum like that. It's fine to care, but for somebody to act so selfish?

I'm still worried, though. I've never had to deal with a suicide. I've never dealt with somebody threatening to kill themselves. What if I gave the wrong advice? What if Jeff hurts himself, or Emily? 

The troubles of my past and present simmer inside of me as they become increasingly hard to ignore. And really, that's what I do with so many of them. I ignore. I neglect. I disregard and deflect. Faced with a similar situation, how much help would I be? Would I just make things worse? Is it selfish to assume that I have that sort of power over my loved ones? Why can't I push these feelings back down again?

It's only a game, but it feels too familiar. I sit alone in my chair, staring blankly at the computer screen. My computer. My escape from reality. I feel as if I'm staring at my inner demons personified, and they're gloating at me with vindictive spite. I'm 3 Chapters in out of 5, and I wonder if it's time to put the game down.

I'm here for you

My discussion with Emily quickly turns upbeat. I'm genuinely happy that she's beginning to find closure. "Emily, you deserve better." Yet I wonder to myself. Is it me she deserves? There are so many things I want to say, but it's not the appropriate time to say them. Of course I'm reminded of the times this rang true in reality.

In spite of their breakup, we're hanging out tomorrow. It'll probably be good for her to get her mind off these things. Honestly, it'll be good for me too.

Don't pass me by

April 22nd, 2007. How old was I back then, 21? Man, that feels like forever ago. I guess over 10 years kind of is. I met my now-wife that same year and the rest is history.

These are seniors in highschool though. Jesus, I was 18 at this point in 2004. That's even longer ago. So many distant memories, but they feel like yesterday. The writing was on the wall by that point, but it was harder to comprehend. Though our highschool careers were coming to a close and our friends would ultimately go their separate ways, we were conditioned since childhood to come together daily.

There was a lot for me to reflect on before opening Chapter 4. I missed the structure of highschool. I missed being forced to see my friends all the time. Heh, I didn't miss the crappy food and the juvenile drama. Or the homework! But I missed the guarantee that my friends and I could stay in touch regularly. It's such a chore these days. It's too easy to lose connection for no discernible reason. Years blend together. Short spans of time don't feel nearly as significant. Emotionless, I tally the friends and family that I've loved and lost. My mortality is a little more apparent than usual as I internally cling to my fleeting youth.

It's not productive. No matter.

Like a distant memory, the in-game events of 10 minutes ago dissolved into a haze as I signed back in to EOL Instant Messenger.

Emily and I hung out today. It's nice that we're staying in touch, but it's clear that we're even closer friends. Through the minimal exposition within our opening dialogue, I get the feeling that things ended up working out for the best.

Even more chit chat. I welcome this transition back to normalcy. Emily comments on how much she misses me from our time together earlier in the day. Naturally, I suggest that we can continue hanging out tonight, but she has an art project due tomorrow. Per her inquiry, I suggest something psychedelic.

The topic of prom comes up. Oh, prom. I can't say I've had the greatest prom experiences. The first time, I flew solo which was actually pretty fun.. but I wished I had a date, for the obvious reasons. The next year, my date ditched me for some other guy and I still had to drive her home. C'est la vie.

Ah yes, now it's my turn to use the ellipses! Excellent. Overjoyed, Emily accepts my proposal. Her dress will be bright blue, and I assure her that she'll look beautiful. In fact, a new development in our relationship blossoms.

And what do you know, everything with Jeff blew over. That was a load off my mind. Sure, he was a bit clingy for a while, but he eventually took the hint. And Emily finished her art project! Neat.

Like, look at the trippy colors man

We're even ditching the prom parties to just spend time alone afterward. I can assume what this implies, but I'm just happy that she's happy. We're happy. It's everything I would have ever wanted for us.

Reunions

I guess it really has been a while. A few months, even. 

I was pleased to acknowledge the addition of periods into my sentence structure for this conversation. It's incredibly common for messages sent via chat services to be open ended, due to the interactions generally being so casual. This felt fitting, and added a serious tone to our reunion.

Evelyn wanted to apologize. It's in the past, don't worry about it. Honestly, I'm sorry too. I should have been more attentive. I explained that I was talking to somebody else. Given the option to elaborate, I disclosed it as a personal matter between friends.

Again, genuine. I feel like Evelyn is somebody I could have been just as close to in person. Impulsive, but level-headed and sincere. We're both willing to admit our mistakes and move on. She informs me that she's all but ditched her previous group of friends associated with her ex Steve, and has interestingly made a new acquaintance in art class. I make no hesitation.

She wishes me well, and a we share a bittersweet reconciliation. We're not on nickname terms anymore, but at least we were mature enough to find faults within ourselves. 

Between regret and reality, signals get crossed and friendships fade. No man or woman in life is perfect, but I'm glad Evelyn made the first move. I can't say I would have been brave enough to do the same.

Isn't it a pity

It's the Summer of 2007. School is over and the most significant part of our youth to date is behind us. At this point, I was actually excited to reveal the conclusion of the game. Everything was in its right place. Emily and I were going steady, and I'd reconciled a lost friendship with Evelyn.

I faced a lot of myself while playing this game. Over the course of an hour or two, I was moved by an entire year's worth of connections, growth and implications. I wanted the best for my friends. I wanted the best for myself. Was that greedy? I don't know. Some terrains are easier to navigate than others, and friendship is a rollercoaster. What mattered was that at this point, it was hard for me not to see myself as the protagonist. I was, for all intents and purposes, emotionally invested.

But my own mistakes would eventually come back to revisit me.

I've been in this type of situation before. The vagueness, the secondhand stories. I hate to say it never ends well, but it's an ominous sign. Confused and unsure if I should be feeling angry, I ask Evelyn for clarification.

Who I really am? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I wanted to say it. I wanted to say it so bad. How the fuck could you? What on earth did you say? You know how happy I am with Emily, right? Can you not mind your own fucking business? 

I refrain.

I say nothing. I'll come back to you later, Evelyn. Just, let me hear both sides of this.. whatever it is. 

Emily messages me. My heart sinks. My face is beginning to turn red. I can feel my cheeks begin to tingle. Breathe.

She tells me that we need to talk, and she's not sure if I can help her. So it's serious. I inform her that I spoke with Evelyn. Whatever it is, please. Let's talk.

I'm not lying my way out of this. It's true, I told you that being a free spirit sounded great. The thing is, I can still see the merits of being a free spirit. And despite the misgivings of my younger self, I've considered the advantages of settling down and raising a family. 

I'm taken aback. I'm torn, and I think this game has me on the verge of tears over what I didn't even consider to be a major contradiction. 

I need to let Emily speak her mind. I apologize. She still doesn't see a way through this.

I try. I plead. I tell her that it was a mistake. She feels that the foundation of our relationship was a lie; that I manipulated her. I swear, that was never my intention! Emily, you have to believe me. Please, I'm begging you, see it from my side!

Maybe, she says. Maybe we can talk this through. We have a lot of history together, after all. Yes, Emily. We do! Do you remember when we met? The options laid before me painted a heartwarming picture.

It was 8th grade, you remember, right? We snuck into the movie theater with our friends. We were being so loud, everybody must have hated us. I don't even remember what type of movie it was, do you? But I remember you sat next to me. You held my hand, remember? She does. A scene scared her so much that she about squeezed it in half. It hurt for a while! But it was worth it. She secretly wrote her screen name on my ticket. I messaged her the instant I got home. I knew from that moment that she was something special. We both knew.

And I genuinely felt our feelings were. I was helpless. I've been on the bad end of a seemingly spontaneous breakup, and it is so hard to accept. How could I have been so stupid? I felt so vulnerable, so insecure, so afraid. So confused. A person I've invested so much of my life into, wanting nothing more to do with me. It pains me to recall, and it's even more frightening to anticipate. What if this happens to me again?

I don't think Emily is being fickle. As conciliatory as I'm attempting to be, I have no intentions of lashing out in anger or spite. Her points are compelling, but I still believe we can work through them.

But try as I may, my efforts are futile. I wipe the moisture from below an eye as I plead one last time for Emily to reconsider.

It was hard for me to process, but there was nothing more I could say. I suppose it doesn't matter who's fault it is at this point. How many times does it need to be said? Nobody's perfect. I'm not, Emily isn't, and neither is Evelyn. I could shrug the game off as being imperfect, but I'd rather confront the emotions it exposed to me. Feeling worthless and defeated, I return to Evelyn to send one final message.

All things must pass

Emily is Away Too fucked with me. There's no more articulate way for me to phrase it than that. It fucked. Me. Up.

I'm 31 years old. A highschool graduate from the Class of 2004. A game like this, I just assumed would be a quick trip down memory lane. A little nostalgia bait, like playing an NES game. I figured I'd treat it like the Sims or something. Meet some people, have a relationship, say "wow, that sure was a videogame" and be on my way.

But no. The most gimmicky element of this game was myself having the audacity to take it at face value. That's what tripped me up. The context of the chat dynamics in Emily Is Away felt so real and so genuine that my primary desire was to continue evolving these relationships. The conversations I had with Emily and Evelyn felt like they could be applied to a multitude of girls that I befriended in highschool that somehow ended up on my buddy list. 

Did most of my personal interactions go as far as they did in Emily Is Away? No, of course not. But whether it be through helping friends deal through their problems, or even my own, I believe it was one of the most shockingly familiar experiences I've ever had in a videogame.

During its deepest moments, I kept coming face to face with a side of myself that I wasn't happy with. Depressed. Frightened. Insignificant. Worthless. Selfish. Desperate. Emotions that reside within me daily that I dismissively acknowledge, as if being aware of them is enough to temper their presence.

Despite my desires to connect with Emily and Evelyn, I felt their problems were my own. I want a shoulder to cry on, too. But it feels so good to help. Sometimes appearing strong, or just being there is the best service you can provide to a friend. I can only assume that those desires weren't taken for granted in the months between chapters.. but it was impossible for me not to draw parallels between the person I was then, and the one I am today.

Like Emily, I thought that typing this would help. I figured it'd be therapeutic to unpack and share this experience; to help me mentally process it. To be truthful, I'm not sure it did. But I couldn't ignore it, and this piece aims to fulfill an obligation I made to myself.

Truly and sincerely, I thank you for taking the time to read this. If you made it this far without skipping anything, then I hope you walk away with some perspective to contrast with your own. Emily Is Away Too has branching paths, so you can theoretically carve out whichever one works best for you. But at this point, I think the game has taught me everything that it needed to.